Bookclubs and neighborhood parties

If you want groups, why not make them yourself?

Malcolm in the Middle: The Book Club (Fox)

A printed flyer came through our mail. It was written in Dutch, but I understood the gist of it. We were invited to a little Sunday morning apéritif with our neighbors. We only had to bring whatever we had in our house. An open bottle of wine or crackers would do, the flyer said. I thought it was an excellent idea, and, of course, we would be there.

But my partner and I became increasingly nervous as the moment approached. What if no one wants to speak English or dislikes us because we don't speak the language? What if they don't like outsiders or immigrants?

We weren't scared for nothing. We live in a somewhat fancy neighborhood where some houses are 1800s mansions worth 2 million euros. We don't reside in one of those, of course. We live in a 1960s building with small apartments. We just share the perfect location between two canals in the center of Gent with those mansions. Most of our neighbors are older than us, white, and well-off. Our hellos usually get their attention, but they are mostly quite serious when we pass them on the street or in the corridors of the building.

Our snowy street

But on this still warm and sunny October Sunday, we were glad to discover that we were wrong to be scared. Everyone was super welcoming and kind to us. We had a good time and were at the party for hours. Everyone who talked to us quickly changed to English without a problem, and we finally saw that they weren't closed-up or serious people; they just didn't know us.

In a few hours, our perceptions of the people that live around us changed. They stopped being this image we had and became real people we now knew.

We also learned that this apéritif was an initiative by one of the neighbors. She started these yearly meetings four years ago and has everyone on the street in a WhatsApp group. Simple as that. Because she took a bit of her time to organize these meetings, we now feel much closer to our neighbors and can help them out or ask for help when needed.

Loneliness and isolation

Loneliness has been a huge topic in the news for at least a decade now. Some countries, such as the UK, have even created special ministry to deal with this issue. Loneliness has been linked to depression, suicide, and many other health issues. Its many causes have been explored extensively as well. I would say that most of us are aware of and concerned about our isolation and how this breeds distrust and a lack of civic engagement.

I truly believe that the looseness or even complete severance of our social ties is one of our biggest current problems, maybe the biggest. If we don't fix that and start working in groups again, trusting each other, we will never fix any of the other big problems we have.

I know that there are a multitude of reasons for loneliness. From how our cities and houses are designed to how we are educated in school to our addiction to social media; our societies are set up for hyper-individualism.

We do need big societal changes, such as having walkable cities, an education not centered on grades and competition, and even challenging the concept of nuclear families as the desired one. But we can, in the meantime, also do something else. Something smaller and simpler. All we need to do is create those groups ourselves. It can be as effortless as putting invites in mailboxes and creating a WhatsApp group.

We usually don't try those kinds of things because we fear rejection. But the truth is that most people—I would say almost everyone—feel very grateful for those who organize these events. Most people will not reject you; even if they don't want to participate, they will still appreciate being asked.

Bookclub

Living abroad, or far away from home, is a challenge, and making friends as adults while living far away is even harder. Through Bumble, I had some "dates” with possible friends. They all worked out well, but I noticed that we didn't follow through that much and rarely met again afterward. It was also hard to arrange to meet all of them separately. (I have no idea how people who date multiple people do it.)

I've heard my share of podcasts about the topic of making friends, and I was trying to find a solution. It came to me that sometimes all you need to do is get people stuck in the same place together weekly, monthly, or even yearly. That's how we made friends back in school: familiarity. Seeing someone again and again and again allows friendships to flourish.

My solution was to create a book club. I would have all possible friends meet once a month at the same time; I didn't have scheduling issues anymore, and we could talk about books. All advantages, in my view.

It is a fixed date. So now, I can know I'll always meet this group of friends while having time for my other friends, family, traveling, or any other kind of activity that uses my time during the weekend.

The book club is a new thing in my life, though. We had our first edition in September, and the next will be this Friday. I'm not sure it will be the panacea I'm selling here, but it is definitely a step forward.

Anyway, my point is that if you feel a lack of community, do something about it. Find something to join. Or create your own group. Go make it happen; don't wait for it to fall into your lap.

Though it won't solve the world's loneliness problem, it will be helpful for you and the people around you who need your help. Friendships are vital, and even a simple "Hey, how are you doing?" from a neighbor can make your day a bit better and make you feel like you belong.

I don't have a Read, Watch, Binge for you today, but I have a pretty good list of 10 books about loneliness.

I also wrote about this topic before: