When I imagine someone confident, I think of someone giving a speech in front of a large audience. Someone who stands straight and walks proudly. An extrovert. Someone who talks in meetings is full of ideas and persuades people.
I have never been this person or struggled when I tried.
I have always admired those who could quickly talk and make friends with someone they had just met. Usually, when I'm somewhere without anyone I know, I want to disappear. At parties or networking events, I get busy with food and drinks, so it doesn't seem like I'm struggling, although probably no one pays me much attention.
I have always been called shy, but as I write this, I know it's not that. It's a defense mechanism. It's being afraid of the unknown, of how people will react to me.
I'm not totally socially awkward, though; I have improved a lot. I especially think it's useful to imagine that everyone around me is probably struggling as badly as I am. Everyone is trying to project their most desirable image and to be liked as much as I am. When I focus on helping them succeed, I end up having an enjoyable conversation.
I guess gender is also involved. Women in the workplace are more likely to be told they need to be more assertive, more open, and talk more. My life has been filled with meetings where men spoke more than women, and I have known many women who were considered shy.
Women are much more likely to think they have low self-esteem and "suffer” from impostor syndrome, something that has been pathologized. An article in the Harvard Business Review explains that imposter syndrome should be criticized. According to it, it took “a fairly universal feeling of discomfort, second-guessing, and mild anxiety in the workplace and pathologized it, especially for women”.
Furthermore, the book Confidence Culture explores how women are targeted for seminars, courses, and self-help books to become more confident. It puts the onus of becoming more assertive on women themselves without questioning why this happens. It even adds pressure on mothers to model and teach their daughters to be braver and more confident.
In an interview for the Financial Times, the authors of the book explained that they don't defend the idea that women should always be sorry for being assertive, acting confidently, or acting like men, but that "it’s almost as if inequalities, and gender inequalities in particular, were being explained away by a confidence deficit among women. It’s letting all of these institutions off the hook. And it’s also blaming women."
Maybe when I described someone confident in the first paragraph, you even imagined a man?
What is confidence?
But what does it truly mean to be confident? Isn't it having confidence in yourself, in your values, and deeply believing that you can do something?
Do we need to be loud, extroverts, and take up space to do that? Do we have to act more like men to trust ourselves?
Not necessarily.
Although this has been promoted constantly, we don't have to think of confidence like this.
You don't necessarily have to present yourself confidently in order to be someone who trusts your work and instincts. Believing in yourself and your capabilities is what makes you confident. Not necessarily owning a room.
Those two ideas seem intertwined. If you present yourself as powerful, you are confident. It can be the case, but not necessarily. In reality, we can be quiet and confident, gentle and confident, and thoughtful and confident.
We have been told we have to act like that because that's how men act. It's the kind of people we flock to and believe in. Speaking and presenting themselves in such a way that they seem very confident of their abilities. We constantly mistake confidence for competence.
There are specific jobs where being confident in your abilities does not necessarily translate into the image you have of a confident person. I am pretty sure there are many successful writers out there who are not any of the things we usually associate with being confident. Still, they are pretty confident in who they are and what they can do.
By continuing to operate on a limited concept of what confidence might look like, we may end up ignoring our potential. We may think something wrong with us can be solved with coaching sessions and self-help books, but in reality, there isn't anything wrong. We use substantial mental resources to fix something that is not even a problem. After all, even if we remain timid or quiet, our projects can possess power and resolve.
We can ignore unwanted suggestions to be more confident. I know there's constant pressure to be like that. But I'm telling you to let go. Let go of presenting yourself as confident. All we have to remember is that if we believe we are capable, we are already confident. If we believe in our own abilities, strengths, and capacities, we are confident.
Confidence Culture by Shani Orgad & Rosalind Gill
Shani Orgad and Rosalind Gill argue in Confidence Culture that instructions to women to "love their bodies" and "believe in themselves" are not helpful for overcoming inequalities. That's because it indicates that inequalities are caused by psychological barriers in individuals rather than established socioeconomic inequities. It shows how "confidence culture" demands women's near-constant introspection and vigilance in the service of self-improvement.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
A cult classic, Napoleon Dynamite tells the story of a nerdy teenager as he navigates high school and his weird family in a small town. Nothing says confidence more than Napoleon's unforgettable solo dance routine to Jamiroquai's “Canned Heat” in front of his whole school.
Insecure has received critical acclaim for its realistic portrayal of modern-day issues faced by millennials and especially black women, as well as its witty humor and relatable characters. Created by Issa Rae, Insecure has become a cultural phenomenon and is praised for its fresh perspective on the black experience. The anticipated fifth season is already available at (HBO) Max.
Great insight to touch on a classic like Napoleon Dynamite, which is practically a study in confidence, both over and under. It’s interesting how both the would-be photographer Deb and Napoleon’s uncle Rico are doing what we used to call door-to-door sales, which requires extraordinary confidence to be successful.
One of my favorite scenes is Deb and Rico in his photo shoot:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eN7YUi3Zx8
It’s also worth noting that the filmmakers, Jared and Jarusha Hess, had to be confident that their eccentric sense of humor would stand up against the conventions of high school movie comedy.
The whole point of confidence is having clarity of ideas inside your head. I found this piece of yours resonating with the book : Quiet by Susan Cain.