"Sometimes I wonder if I have really been the same person my whole life. I stare at the picture, and think: Is that really me? I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now." - Emily Austen
"How did you end up here?"
In August 2018 I crossed the Atlantic Ocean.
Did I come to Europe for better opportunities? For a new beginning? To experience life abroad? To escape Bolsonaro? To finally end a relationship?
The truth is, I'm not entirely sure. That's why it never fails to make me feel like a black hole has opened up under my feet when someone asks me: "How did you end up here?" And oddly enough, this question is always asked when I meet someone new.
Obviously, people don't mean to be rude or intrusive. I'm from a faraway country. Although I love where I live now, it's not one of the most glamorous or international cities that draws hordes of immigrants like Lisbon, Berlin, Amsterdam, or Paris. I'm pretty sure that if I met someone from anywhere in the world living in my hometown in Brazil I would ask the same question. It's normal curiosity. How did someone from another continent end up here?
Yet, it never fails to take me by surprise. I always find the need to take a deep breath and check if there's any way I can run away from the person asking. After all, it feels deeply personal.
How did I end up here? What took me to move? What were the steps, the small and not-so-small decisions? The turns and twists.
I secretly wonder if I had stayed, would I be asking myself the same question? How did I end up here? I also wonder if the person asking the question could answer it themselves.
I guess "How did I end up here?" is a question we ask ourselves quite a lot when we are not in the happiest of places. It carries a negative tone to it. So hearing it back to you almost makes you feel defensive. “Well, I'm doing quite well here.” I feel like answering.
Depending on where you are in your life and how it is going, it can be painful to try to understand how things got so messed up. What did you do wrong to get here? But simply put it's an almost impossible thing to answer.
That's because life just happens. One thing leads to the other, and it takes us somewhere unexpected. Although we like to think of ourselves as the heroines of our own lives, navigating through this epic redemption story, the truth is we have very limited control over how our lives will be.
I bet there were so many situations and unexpected turns you couldn't have predicted. Sometimes you just need to leave, move, and start over and that's what you do. Often, life marches on, filled with many small decisions that add up and still have a profound effect on your life. And before you know it you are already living 4 years in a city you didn't even know existed 5 years ago.
Our inability to answer this question for ourselves makes it even harder to answer for others, especially those we have just met.
But let's talk about books.
There are two books, which are some of my favorites that truly encapsulate a (literal) journey by two women to change their lives and themselves.
Cheryl Strayed’s “Wild” is an incredible story of self-discovery and personal growth. After losing her mother to cancer, Cheryl is left feeling lost and overwhelmed. Being through a divorce, and trying to get clean from using drugs, she craves a new start.
In an attempt to reclaim her life and make sense of her own struggles, she decides to embark on a 1,100-mile (1700km) solo hike on the Pacific Crest Trail—the longest trail in the United States. Through Cheryl’s resilience and courage, she is able to conquer the unforgiving terrain and discover a newfound home.
Even though there is a clear arc that shows Cheryl changing her life through this physical and mental journey, we see her constantly recapping her past struggles. Even when she finally decides to live in a brand-new city at the end of the trail, where she can be a new person, we know her life will not be a happily ever after.
She seems to be telling us a story of "How I got here” coming from a deeply hopeful place of finally being able to be herself and finding her place in the world. Overcoming addiction, dealing with grief, and finding a new home and love have been key steps to getting to where she is, but it's definitely not the end.
Amanda Lindhout’s “A House in the Sky” is another remarkable book about a life's journey. Amanda transforms from a young nomad to a seasoned traveler. At age 19, Amanda embarks on many travels around the globe, including trips to Asia and the Middle East. She explores places and cultures and gains a new perspective on global poverty and conflicts.
As a kid, Amanda collected National Geographic magazines. Through her many travels, she found her love of adventure. She became a journalist in many countries, some of them quite dangerous as Afghanistan, and even wrote for her beloved National Geographic.
When she enters Somalia, she is kidnapped and held hostage for 460 days. Despite her captivity, Amanda survives and is able to find peace in the midst of chaos. This inspiring story of courage and resilience left me in awe of her strength and determination.
Being kidnapped in Somalia is the climax of the book and probably why someone asked her to write a book in the first place. But Amanda is not satisfied with simply telling us how it was in Somalia. She wants to take us through how she got there. Her life choices, and how a young Canadian woman gained the confidence to travel to such a dangerous country (Somalia) after living and working in occupied Afghanistan and Iraq.
But more importantly how she always kept hope in herself and humanity. It's an amazing book.
Ultimately, both “Wild” and “A House in the Sky” tell a story of life journeys and how sometimes you can feel like you have no control over "how you ended up here?" It can be a beautiful or difficult story, but it will be yours only.
And although fictionalized to make sense, stories especially real-life stories allow breathing room for growing. For us, it's about transforming and trying to understand who we are and what has happened to us. So the next time someone asks me "how did you end up here?" I may not be able to explain fully, but I'll remember these two books and the inspiring journey each remarkable woman tells.
I'll remember my go-to answer and let go of trying to find a perfect answer for myself. After all, this is not a final destination, just another step of an ever-changing human being, as we all are.
A house in the sky by Amanda Lindhout and Sara Cobert. A house in the sky is an autobiographical book about a Canadian working as a reporter for National Geographic and roaming the world. She works in many countries, including war-ridden Afghanistan and Iraq. When she traveled to Somalia—“the most dangerous place on earth.” - she gets abducted by a group of masked men along a dusty road.
Lost in translation (2003). Lost in Translation has become a beloved classic among audiences due to its unique blend of comedy and drama in an often melancholic story. The film stars Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson as two lost souls, Bob and Charlotte, living and interacting in a foreign land while they find solace in one another. It features a beautiful soundtrack that perfectly captures the feeling of solitude and a sense of longing that comes with being so far away from home.
Unorthodox is a gripping short series that tells the story of a young Jewish woman named Esty Shapiro, who decides to break free of her tightly-knit religious community in Brooklyn and pursue her dream of becoming a musician in Berlin. The show follows Esty's journey as she learns to embrace her newfound freedom and discover her true self. Masterfully crafted, Unorthodox explores themes of religion, identity, and belonging.
This is the way it is.
Nada do que foi será
De novo do jeito que já foi um dia
Tudo passa, tudo sempre passará
A vida vem em ondas
Como um mar
Num indo e vindo infinito
Tudo que se vê não é
Igual ao que a gente viu há um segundo
Tudo muda o tempo todo no mundo
Não adianta fugir
Nem mentir
Pra si mesmo agora
Há tanta vida lá fora
Aqui dentro sempre
Como uma onda no mar
Nada do que foi será
(De novo do jeito que já foi um dia
Tudo passa, tudo sempre passará
A vida vem em ondas
Como um mar
Num indo e vindo infinito)
Tudo que se vê não é
Igual ao que a gente viu há um segundo
Tudo muda o tempo todo no mundo
(Não adianta fugir
Nem mentir
Pra si mesmo agora
Há tanta vida lá fora
Aqui dentro sempre
Como uma onda no mar