How we avoid feeling by hiding behind work

The Bear

(*This post may contain spoilers for The Bear)

Avoidance is something we all do. We avoid people, places, and situations we don’t like because, for some reason, these things irritate us or cause us pain. To minimize stress, we naturally avoid things. It's healthy to do so.

Avoidance can also be a natural coping mechanism for pain, trauma, and other mental health issues. Still, when it keeps us from moving forward and puts us in a cycle of anxiety and missed opportunities, it creates a problem.

If it's used as a coping mechanism, it can lead to skipping essential responsibilities and positive opportunities. This includes a new job or career, relationships, social interactions, recreational activities, and more. It may grant temporary relief in the short term, but it increases stress and anxiety in the long run.

Further, when we avoid anxiety-induced thoughts and feelings, we reinforce them by not resolving the cause of these thoughts and feelings. It allows the cycle of anxiety and avoidance to continue.

On the TV show The Bear, we can clearly see how avoidance and unfelt feelings can lead to breakdowns and a constant struggle between those avoiding the problem.

The Bear

Carmen, or Carmy (Jeremy Allen White), a young fine-dining chef, comes home to Chicago to run his failing family sandwich shop. He and all the crew of the Original Beef of Chicagoland are dealing—or, actually, avoiding dealing—with the death by suicide of Carmy's brother and former owner of the restaurant, Michael (Jon Bernthal).

The countless financial, logistical, and physical issues the restaurant faces overshadow Carmy's family troubles and the loss of his brother. Or at least he tries hard to make it so.

In his feeble attempt to save the restaurant, we understand that he actually wanted to save his lost relationship with his brother and is trying to process his loss.

The problem is that it is not just his loss. Those in the restaurant that worked side-by-side with Michael loved him as well and are trying to deal with his death in their own ways. They understandably at first reject any change Carmen wants to bring to the restaurant, treating him and the newly arrived chef Sydney (Ayo Edebiri) as enemies.

Why does this show work?

The Bear has received many positive critics and I believe it's simply because it feels real. We see a restaurant chef who has worked in the finest restaurants in the world coming back to his family's street deli to make it work. While he is respected worldwide for his cuisine, in the Michelin-starred restaurant "Beef”, he is treated aggressively by his subordinates, who don't want things to change.

The fast-paced nature of a restaurant and its many issues take on a life of their own. We see how a restaurant and the work behind it get extremely personal and feel overwhelming and all-consuming.

It captures the intense pace of a commercial kitchen, from prepping deadlines to the rush during lunch hour, and everyone's need to know their job and hold tightly to their duties. But that's precisely why Carmen loves it. While focusing on the many issues his failing restaurant has, he can avoid his feelings towards his failed relationship with his brother and his suicide.

His grief and guilt are slowly revealed and resurface as the story unfolds. It is especially personal and intense in the final episode, during a seven-minute monologue by Carmen that is the show's highlight.

Tina (Liza Colón-Zayas) and Richard (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), who are often shown as antagonists to Carmen and Sydney's efforts to raise the bar at the restaurant, have a small arch of their own. They are coming to terms with their own grief. We quickly realize that their lashing out comes from their own problems, which they throw at their work, which is a much more controllable place for them, just as most of us do.

The Bear doesn't take time to give us any sort of background or explanation of kitchen terminology. We are suddenly thrown into the chaos of a kitchen and its many mishaps and conflicts. This is just as it would be for the newly hired chef starting in the kitchen in the first episode, Sydney.

By using Sydney, the showrunners let us feel as lost, confused, and overwhelmed by the story as she would. Trying to get a handle on things despite the overwhelming family drama and financial issues.

If you are looking for an intense and short show with short episodes, this one is for you.

You can watch The Bear on Disney+ (or Hulu if you are in the US).