Living abroad and the changes we don't notice
And the ones we do
I am meeting my friends from Brazil in a small park in the city I’m from, Belo Horizonte. It’s sunny, everyone is wearing shorts and dresses and sitting on towels on the grass. We are celebrating the birthday of a now two-year-old little guy, the son of one of my friends. When I left Brazil 6 years ago, none of those girls had kids. Now, there are children all around us, playing and having fun with each other and even with other random kids in the park.
Our conversations have changed as well. When I left we used to chat about what was taking place on at work, our love lives, and always reminisce about how much fun we had when we first met, at university. Gossip about old colleagues or teachers, which many times we have, by now, even completely forgotten about.
Now, it’s all about kids. We who don’t have them will listen to the moms talk about the search for daycare or schools, eating or behavior problems. We will try to contribute or ask further questions. Some with more interest than others. Sometimes the subjects move on to other things, but not for very long.
Nevertheless, the kids are cute. The birthday boy is told he can only eat sweets after singing Happy Birthday. Just as the song ends he lunges into them like a famished man. We all laugh as he enjoys a brigadeiro – and then 10 more.
In How I Met Your Mother when Lily and Marshall have their son, Ted has a flashback of Marshall being in their dorm and stapling himself. A situation that could only happen to the dumb kid Ted met back when they were 18 or 19. Ted as a narrator says “That guy is a dad!” Later in the episode he has another flashback, now of Lily stealing beers and jumping into a moving car to which he also says “That girl is a mom!”
My friends were never dumb or wild, but still, whenever I am with them, I cannot get this scene from How I Met Your Mother out of my head. It’s just so weird that they are mothers now. In a way, it's hard to shake the 19- or 20-year-old version I have of them. The ones breaking up their relationships, meeting guys, going out, worrying about grades or internships.
Maybe it’s because I don’t see them that often anymore. It just feels weird to think of them as those put-together enough individuals that can take care of other human beings. I guess it’s also because I can barely care for myself.
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When we manage to talk briefly about other things, and they ask me about how my life is progressing in Belgium the most annoying thing happens. I say complete sentences and then, suddenly, I forget a word in Portuguese. My own damn native language! What’s worse, I’ll remember them in English?! Even worse of all, sometimes I’ll just say one word in English in the middle of the phrase – like I'm a ridiculous businessman from São Paulo, with their deadlines, briefings and quarters — and don’t even catch myself!
There’s nothing more irritating than people who speak Portuguese and add English words to sound sophisticated or cool. Here I am, doing that without even noticing. When I hear myself doing that, I want to stop talking. Forever if possible.
Then of course, it gets worse. One of those friends that also lived in Belgium, but a long time ago tells me I’m doing something with my face that the Belgians do all the time. It's a little pout with their mouths to confirm, or say something like: "Yeah, of course”.
I have noticed the pout in Belgians. They do it all the time. Me and my partner make fun of the pout and also of my cousin who lives eleven years in Belgium and also does it. And here I am, doing it as well, without noticing it. My brain freezes when she tells me that.
It’s hard to deal with people perceiving you differently, even worse when it’s something that has changed in you and you don’t notice.
I have no issues with Belgians. They are nice people. I just don’t like feeling less Brazilian, or being perceived as so. But every time I go home, it feels more like the reality. My clothes are different. All the layers of melanin I have ever had on my skin seemed to have disappeared after 6 years of very little sunshine. I don’t know where the cool bars are anymore or where people hang out. I don’t know the songs, the artists, or who is winning at football this year. I learn that there is even an upcoming sport people practice called beach tennis, which is something like beach volley but with rackets (something only Brazilians could invent).
Life carries on without me.
It’s difficult to see my friends changing and of course I know I have changed too. Sometimes it's hard to notice how much so. Even if there is still a lot of love in the relationship, I feel the distance in all the small details of who we now are. The grey hairs appearing here and there, the priorities, the talking subjects, the way I talk. There’s no way of escaping it, so we focus on the on the important part: over 15 years of friendship, independent of location, going strong.
This Motherless Land by Nikki May
Born in Nigeria, Funke, a ten-year-old daughter of an English mother and a Nigerian father is sent to England after her world is torn apart when her mother and younger brother die in a car accident that she survives unscathed. She has to start her life over again in the UK living with her mother’s prejudiced white family while still living through grief.
I read this book extremely fast and couldn’t put it down. It dives deep into grief, prejudice, identity crises and toxic family dynamics. I have read many books that explore this dynamic of being between two countries. Maybe I should write a post about that?
Nora and Hae Sung were best friends as children in South Korea. When Nora’s family decides to immigrate to Canada, this relationship is broken. Later they reconnect online as young adults, but the long distance relationship doesn't work out. They finally meet again many years later when Hae Sung meets her in the US.
I have already recommended this movie before, but it’s worth revisiting. It also fits the theme quite well. It is perfect for asking: What if I had never moved?
Sex Life of College Girls (HBO Max)
This comedy series, created by Mindy Kaling, follows the lives of Bela, Whitney, Leighton and Kimberly as they navigate life and love at a prestigious and fictional university in Vermont. It’s a fun and light-hearted show about female friendship and university life. Definitely something to watch if you want a show that's not so serious. The first season was very funny, and the other two are also okay. Of course all the characters look significantly older (and act more confident) than college students, but who cares?
Too funny. Now have a reason for not learning a second language.
I kept nodding along and smiling as I read this, Luiza, especially after the language short circuit bit, which is so relatable.
Before Christmas I had a call with a Spanish client and I struggled to the point I had to let the woman in the call know for fear she thought I was just stupid and unable to speak my own native fluently. She was very understanding as she travels often for work and uses English regularly, but still it was an odd moment.
And same for the other subtle transformations we go through as we assimilate into a new culture and that only those who have known us will immediately notice. It's strange but also beautiful to think of how we can adapt and transform as we are exposed to a different way of living and how we absorb it without noticing it.
Past Lives (which I loved!) is such a good example of that, fantastic recommendation on so many fronts!