Not knowing what to write

No time to think, everything feels like it has been done before

Somebody Somewhere (HBO)

Online

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to meet the online version of yourself?

I picture myself walking around, strolling on a sunny day. Suddenly there she is, someone that looks a lot like me. I get scared and curious. I want to come closer. She is sitting in a café and looks picture-perfect. The closer I get the more I am haunted by the similarity. I'm finally standing by her side, and hell, this girl looks exactly like me! It's awkward but I say ‘hi’ and start talking to her. I learn that she has my name. She smiles constantly, annoyingly happy. She has traveled a lot and won't shut up about the many causes she believes in. She is also self-promoting and keeps constantly talking about herself. Is she even going to ask me anything?

It feels like communication, but in reality, I'm just listening to her talk. Watching her move, paying attention to what she is wearing and how delightful this café looks. I keep making assumptions about her and her life.

She looks confident and a know-it-all. I, on the other hand, constantly doubt myself. She seems to have her life figured out. Did she feel sorry for me? Would she try to take my place, like so many Doppelganger stories? Maybe she just feels indifferent, lost in her own constant need to build up an image. Too focused on how she presents herself to care.

No time for thinking

Two weeks ago, I had an idea. It came to me, as many ideas do, during an insomnia bout. If muses exist, they are pranksters. They love sending us ideas when we can't do anything about them. They probably love seeing us dropping things to the ground and kicking the cat awake while we look for something to write on in the dark.

But sometimes taking notes on the phone won't stop it. The idea keeps running around, growing and growing, getting into different corridors and corners of my brain, not leaving me alone.

When this happens, I always remember something I read. Because we don't give them enough time during the day, we have intrusive thoughts at night. We never sit down, not doing anything, long enough to daydream and allow those to come out; hence, they come when we are in silence and contemplation, aka just trying to sleep.

The idea wasn't life-changing as my insomniac self thought it was. My notes app on my phone is filled with them, and I would say most stay there.

I don't have much insomnia, but most nights I have it is not the muse that comes, but another gal, anxiety. She keeps whispering about all the activities I should do once I wake up. I wonder if I should just get up right then and do them once and for all. But of course I don't. I love sleeping. I usually just tell anxiety: I'm 100% sure this can wait until the morning, and most times she agrees.

Nothing to write

I don't give myself much time to think and do nothing. Like almost everyone, I'm addicted to my screens. I'm seldom without one.

We all know the issues of being in a tsunami of constant information. We are tired, envious, unsure about ourselves, worried we are not enough or not doing enough. Concerned about the state of the world.

Screens take away moments of silence. Our thoughts and ideas are organized during these moments. There's no time left to think or feel.

The amount of opinions out there feels overwhelming. Often, it seems that everyone has tips on how to do everything, however unhelpful they may be. Online, we all appear to be so sure of ourselves, confident and brilliant, when in reality we have no idea. You cannot escape it, and it permeates everything you do in the real world. Our lives and real connections. It feels all-encompassing.

This tsunami of information also gives the impression that everything that has ever been written or thought of by humans is here. Available online for anyone.

Some days like today, I don't really know what to write, but still, I want to write. I want to put my thoughts on paper, but everything has been said before. We receive so much information all the time. What is so important that I have to add, after all?

I try to become my online self, the confident one. Conjure her up somehow. What will she do next? What would she say?

But I don't want to. Most times I don't like her so much. I prefer the other one. The unsure, shy, anxious one.

I check my notes app, there's nothing new there. Nothing to use. The muse hasn't been visiting me lately. Now, it's only anxiety with her to-do lists.

---

The Double by José Saramago

Written by Portuguese Literature Nobel Prize winner, The Double tells the story of Tertuliano, a history teacher who sees someone exactly like himself in a movie - or, more specifically, exactly like the man he was five years ago. Tertuliano chooses to pursue his double in secret, even when he knows he shouldn't. The book is a dark meditation on identity and the idea that people are more than their outward appearance. A good Halloween book.

Inside Out 2 (2024)

There are new feelings inside Riley's head, who is now a teenager, but the movie is basically about anxiety. By the end of it you won't even remember the names of the others. For a sequel, this is a pretty great movie. There is no doubt that Inside Out is one of Pixar's best "new" films, and the sequel, just like the first, explores quite well our internal feelings, relationships and how they mold us.

Somebody Somewhere (HBO)

A comedy-drama series about Sam, a singer who returns to her hometown in Kansas after losing her sister. As she returns home, she must rekindle her relationship with her family members. She becomes involved in a new community of friends that organize LGBTQ events at a church during the night, which gives her new a sense of belonging to her small town. It’s a very low-stake show about friendship.