On turning 30

Why does it feel so hard?

When my older sister turned 30, she had a big party at our parents' house. It was filled with friends, drinks, and laughing. We were up all night dancing and having fun. As I approached this age, I wanted to celebrate big as she did, but I also felt the pressure of the upcoming age, like a clock ticking.

Turning 30 felt like finally reaching adulthood, there was no more time to mess around. The moment for experimenting was gone. An overpowering voice seemed to whisper in my head: you should settle down.

It is no surprise then, that the anxieties of turning 30 are portrayed in numerous movies, tv shows, and books. As I was approaching this mark I started noticing more and more characters facing the same problems and fears I was having.

Maybe, more millennials born around 1989 were writing and producing tv-shows. Or possibly the stories on turning 30 were always there. I was just now paying attention because I was reaching the same age.

For instance, it's quite clear Joey and everyone on Friends dreaded turning 30 when I was still a preteen.

Nevertheless, as millennials approached this age, far more productions surrounding this topic have appeared. Bringing slightly different flavors from those that came before us.

Settling down in the 2020s

Turning 30 seems like a turning point. The time has come to truly become an adult. At the end of your 20s, many of your friends get married, (which is still cool because there are many parties to attend); but in your early 30s, babies start to arrive. This is an even more serious and life-changing event.

It feels like we are supposed to have everything decided and organized. Having a good job, a partner, children, and a house is essential, at 35 latest. After all, most of our parents had already everything figured out when they were our age.

But we live in a very different world than our parents did. Having degrees and studying at a university doesn't guarantee a good career anymore. Jobs are far more transient and we earn far less in comparison. Also, all the markers of 'being an adult’ as marrying, having a house, and having babies are way more expansive and in a way, even unattainable.

For instance, a child can cost over U$ 10,000 a year, in the US, and other countries are not much further behind. Houses, especially in large cities have grown extremely expansive and completely unattainable for most young people.

And I don't even need to talk about the whole wedding industry that makes billions in profit every year.

But, there's also a good side to all of it. Exactly because we are not reaching those milestones, we get to create our own idea of what means to be 30. Even if it's not what others expect from us.

And the current pop culture reflects that. Most characters reaching this age are as lost and far from expectations as they can be. They are still figuring out what to do and how they want their lives to be.

We and the media are pushing the narrative around this age turn. A narrative that suggests we should have all figured out by now. We shouldn't, and actually, even those that have fulfilled all those milestones don't have it figured out either. I'm pretty sure not even our parents did.

Why is it harder on women?

Mainly one thing: the damned biological clock. As your friends start having children, you will have to think long and hard about whether you want or don't want children. And whatever your answer is to this, you have to talk to your partner about it or let your future partner know.

Which can cause plenty of problems, as you can imagine.

And if you don't even have a partner yet and want children, that's when you start getting worried. This has been discussed vastly in the early 2000s in Sex in the City, especially by the character Charlotte. You are running a strict deadline. Still need to meet someone nice, spend some time together, maybe get married, plan a child and have all your finances in place. It's a lot to worry about. Many "steps” to fulfill.

On top of that, we have all the normal pressures of being a cool modern woman. To be all put together, always pretty, interesting, fun, and have a great career. It's a lot. Maybe we shouldn't put so much pressure on our shoulders.

Challenging the idea of a biological clock ruling our lives and the need of having children to be fulfilled is a starting point to make this turning age less problematic, especially for women.

And we should push the one-size-fits-all ideas of what an accomplished life is for someone this age. Or actually, since we are here, to all ages.

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What to watch?

The Bridget Jones Diary (2001). Based on the bestselling book of the same name, the Bridget Jones Diary is a funny portrayal of being 30 and single. Although it hasn't aged well in some aspects it is a good nostalgic movie. As the Guardian puts it “It is an imperfect film, celebrating imperfection". And we do need to celebrate imperfection right now.

What to read?

Adults, from Emma Jane Unsworth. To be honest, I'm still in the middle of this book, so take this recommendation with a grain of salt. It's quite a page-turner about a 35-year-old-Millenial that is far from having her things together. She is obsessive with social media and is kind of falling apart from a breakup.

What to binge?

Dollface. There are so many tv shows to recommend with characters around this age but I'll do with this one. Have you ever had a friend that entered a relationship and disappeared? Maybe that was you? This tv show is about the importance of women's friendship and navigating your late 20s.