The messy middle

Of the year or of creating

The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart (Amazon Prime)

"The only prediction we can rely on is that life will – with ceaseless ingenuity – outrun our finest predictions.” Alain de Botton.

I have moved a lot in my life, especially in my twenties. A year here, another year and a half there. I enjoyed moving. A fresh start would always call me. I loved the idea that in an unfamiliar place no one knows you so, in a way, you get to be whoever you'd like.

However, my favorite part was how I learned about myself by seeing it reflected in other people's eyes. Fresh eyes. Eyes that didn't already have all these ideas and sometimes misconceptions from my earlier me.

I learned a bit about myself from each place I lived. Each new place, different opportunities, a fresh beginning.

Sometimes the allure of starting over calls me again but only briefly.

It still surprises me, but for the first time in my adult life, I've lived for four years in the same place. Four years is enough for a Ph.D. (I wonder what I became a Dr. in).

I've learned by staying and not moving that starting fresh is alluring, but digging deep is the hardest part. Letting people truly know you, making real connections, growing roots, and creating a routine that feels comfortable and fitting for you.

When we are always moving, not having a routine or even the possibility of starting one becomes a common complaint. After all, we long for security, and what can bring more of a sense of security than knowing what you will be doing for the next week, month, or year?

But sometimes we get bored of the routine. We complain about how tiring it is to always do the dishes, and do the same activities every single day. When you are constantly moving there's not enough time for dullness. Everything is new. It may be harder to find your favorite supermarket and adapt to an unfamiliar house and neighborhood. However, just the novelty of it puts you in another mindset. You are more in the moment, novelty makes it feel special.

Keeping yourself on the path

In the end, I believe people obsess over what is possible rather than what they already have because it is challenging to follow through. I'm always filled with ideas and have always been on the move. But staying, continuing, improving, that seems to be the difficulty. Making progress little by little, but steadily towards a goal. Not giving up.

My work career is probably the main example of this disquiet. This is the longest job I've ever held, and I'm quite content with it. But there's always this voice in the back of my mind saying I should change, and apply for other positions. Maybe it's just a habit. I have always searched for jobs (why stop?). Maybe it's our culture that never allows us to be satisfied with enough.

I heard Yuval Noah Harari say in an interview the other day, that the most critical skill to have is learning how to adapt quickly. Everything is moving extremely quickly and we have no idea how the world will look in ten or even five years. I came to the same conclusion a while ago after studying through a Master's program where we had to move from country to country every 2-5 months. We had to always be ready to pack up and leave, ready to adapt to wherever we landed quickly.

Changing jobs, cities, countries, careers, and languages certainly makes me adaptable. I feel ready for any curve ball the world throws at me. But, what about when everything works out?

When the job works just fine, the money is enough, the relationship is safe and loving, and you love the city you live in?

Weirdly enough I'm not ready for that. Or wasn't ready?

It takes another set of skills to learn to improve little by little, to not be in alert mode, to think about longer projects, and to make friends where you are.

It's challenging to deprogram what many call a "scarcity mindset", maybe because it's just how our culture works at large. We all worry about money, no matter how rich we are. We are made to feel like we are always lacking to consume.

There is overconsumption behind the feeling that there is something better out there. There is Neoliberalism and capitalism. There is the idea that only novelties can improve your life. We apply it unconsciously to all facets of our lives. We keep hoping that maybe a better job, a more prosperous city, and an improved you are somewhere out there.

But that's just one of life's incongruences: we will never know. There are millions of options for the lives we could live and we can never be sure we have picked the right ones.

I guess it's a fine balance. It's about making peace with the fact that we are finite beings while trying out different things and not abandoning others. Ultimately, it's a reflection: Do I need more?

It's "easy” to start fresh with a project, a new newsletter, a new relationship, or even start over somewhere else. The arduous part is continuing. Pushing through the sameness of the same project. It's not surprising that many authors get stuck in the middle of their books and even abandon them. We always search for bright, new shiny things. In our minds, the solution lies out there, rather than navigating through the tangled jungles we already inhabit. The difficult part is learning to be more like ants, building slowly, little by little, without really knowing exactly where this will lead us.

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The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O'Farrell.

The Marriage Portrait is a reimagining of the life of Lucrezia di Médici, dutchess of Ferrara who lived in Venice and then Ferrara in Italy in the 1500s. A young girl of 16, she finds herself in danger of being killed by her husband the Duke of Ferrara. The story guides us through her life and how she reached this dangerous point. It shows just how few liberties women in that position had and how lonely the palazzo life was.

AntZ (1998)

I know this movie has one of the ugliest animations ever, especially compared with the cute A Bug's Life that was released at the same time. I also know how problematic Woody Allen is and all that. Still, this is one of my favorite animations from when I was young. I just love the story and how similar we are to ants. It has this worker's angst and I'm all for it.

The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart (Amazon Prime)

In my previous post, I mentioned that I was watching this show and I have finally completed it. It's quite decent. I really love Sigourney Weaver so, that's enough to make the show good. At the same time, without even reading the book, I'm sure it is better than the series. I don't know something just felt off. Maybe it's just too much suffering, maybe it's trying too hard to be high-quality TV. Still, I would recommend it because of Sigourney and because there aren't many stories out there about domestic abuse. Also, it's pretty and made me cry so, if you are in this mood, watch it.

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P.S.: I have to be honest, I am cheating on this Read Watch Binge. I am just recommending the book I have just read and the TV show I have just watched. Plus a movie that is also not connected to the theme, but there you have it. At least they are all good recommendations.