What do we need to be happy?

And how our society is working against it.

Never Let Me Go (20th Century Studios)

What if there was a checklist of what we needed to be happy? Well, there have been some attempts.

One of those is Maslow's famous hierarchy of needs. All humans have needs. Maslow picked those critical to us and added them to a pyramid that runs from basic needs at the bottom to higher needs at the top.

Our basic needs list includes security, rest, safety, food, water, and warmth. We could say those fulfill our biological needs. From there, he goes up to psychological and social needs such as prestige and a feeling of accomplishment, as well as intimate relationships and friends. On top of this pyramid are self-fulfillment needs, which help us realize our full potential.

Maslow's pyramid

Now that you have had a good look at the pyramid you are probably comparing it to see how your life is and what needs aren't being met, right? If you think you are failing, don't worry, I'm here to say that even if you are not, our modern life works directly against the needs listed on this little triangle.

So why does this pyramid explain why we are so miserable?

The problem starts right at the base of the pyramid. As most people say: 'nothing in this world is free.' There are billions around the world that struggle to have the simplest things: security, safety, food, water, warmth, and rest. Most of those things have been commodified, and we have to pay to access them. If you are reading this, you probably have those needs met. However, since we are not billionaires, we are just a life-changing event away from not being able to meet those needs for ourselves or our families. Our capacity to work, and thus our ability to meet those needs, depends on being healthy, which is not completely under our control.

That by itself is enough to cause significant distress and continuous worry that can lead to anxiety disorders. This can explain why we don't feel so great most of the time. If you don't own your house, you may have a constant worry about paying rent or a mortgage or having a place to live. This is directly connected to some of our basic needs such as security, warmth, and rest. Which as I said is probably being met, but we always worry it won't.

Going up the pyramid only makes it bleaker

Having friends and meaningful relationships is essential. I have written many times about how tricky it is to make friends in another city. A common problem for people searching for better opportunities. Moving away from our families also keeps us disconnected from them.

Having friends and healthy relationships doesn’t depend on having money. However, going out to a bar, a trip to the movies, traveling together, and most activities where we socialize usually mean spending.

Also, working long hours or commuting doesn’t give you much time to develop and take good care of your relationships. It’s no accident that we live in societies of extreme loneliness. We lack the time and sometimes the money to socialize. Many of us don't feel like we are part of a community or have many relationships to rely on if needed.

We are sometimes as tired as this

Then we have self-esteem and self-actualization

Self-actualization and a sense of self-worth have been completely co-opted. The only ways we find to fulfill those needs are through our work or the way we project ourselves into the world.

Most people believe they can and should reach those needs through their work. But that is very seldom the case. The majority of jobs are meaningless, and no one is aware of the impact of what they are doing.

In the past, we could stand away from our work and see something substantial and solid we had made: a chair, a garment, a house. We are now occupied with work that has been infinitely subdivided, so most of its logical connections have been lost. We carry weird professional job titles and feel like cogs in a complicated machine. We may be richer than ever, but we struggle to see what difference we could possibly make to anyone else’s life.

This lack of self-actualization—not being able to be creative, work on something together with other like-minded people, or create something to improve others’ lives—may be the main reason we feel worthless. This feeling that whatever you are doing is mostly pointless. A somewhat nagging depressive nihilism.

Self-actualization can also be a trap

At the same time, the idea that we can better ourselves to perfection by fulfilling all of Maslow's needs brings its own set of issues. The incessant pursuit of perfection makes us depleted and burned out. It puts too much pressure on ourselves and how our decisions influence our life outcomes.

We were repeatedly told we could do and be anything. With dedication and hard work, we may become president, unlock a major scientific secret, or be known worldwide for our athletic abilities or artistic talent. Only a very special destiny is valid. A so-called ordinary life has no dignity; an unknown existence has nothing to celebrate. We cannot live quietly and be in bed at nine.

This incessant need to be extraordinary or even just have everything perfectly controlled is a recipe for disaster. It makes us envious and angry. At the same time, it also feels extremely achievable because we have always been told so. Even if it's not.

Our society works against us

When trying to understand why we might be feeling unhappy, we tend to be drawn to reasons relatively close to home: we might zero in on issues with friends, relationships, health, jobs, families, or schedules. But sometimes we need to step back and see the larger picture.

The psyche, the family, and our colleagues all have a role to play in our mood, but a full understanding of our situation cannot be complete without considering the highly peculiar and complicated era in which we live. Our times are highly inequitable and unstable, which is part of the reason we are troubled.

Capitalism and our social structures make us depressed and anxious, mostly because they don't allow us to get what we need. That is by design. When we are always trying to meet those needs, it is easy to be told that we will obtain them through products or big life changes. All marketing depends on that. Making us believe that our need to have fulfilling relationships will be met by buying the latest iPhone, that our sense of self-actualization will be met by driving a fancy car, or that we will feel less overwhelmingly tired by buying crystals and taking a bath.

It also keeps us working and busy. We are always afraid of not having our basic needs met if we don't work enough. We are both continuously searching to have our needs met (in the wrong places) and trying to escape the threat of not even having our basic needs covered.

It is a continuous struggle. One that we have to keep fighting while finding meaning and beauty in between, when possible.

By acknowledging how much society is the reason for our anxieties and confusion, I'm not proposing to wave our hands in the air and give up. Despite the pressures we have been put under, reversing them is not impossible. But even if we cannot, knowing that these exist can help us identify more fairly the sources of many of our problems. We are not uniquely or personally incapable, awful, greedy, or degenerate. There are unprecedented pressures on us. To know ourselves properly is to honor how much of our madness does not belong simply to us.

Maslow's hierarchy helps us recognize what we need and want first. It also helps us realize how complicated it is to meet those needs. In the end, we kind of already know what is really meaningful and worthwhile: our health, our strong relationships, and our ability to create and do good.

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Hospicing Modernity by Vanessa Machado de Oliveira (if you buy through this link the proceeds will be donated).

I first saw this book being recommended by someone on Notes. I don't remember who or even the context (social media, right? 🤷‍♀️). Anyway, it got my attention because it was written in English by a Brazilian and because of the subject, of course.

I'm still halfway through this book but I'm finding it incredibly interesting. Vanessa is a professor at the University of British Columbia. She holds a Canada Research Chair in Race, Inequalities, and Global Change. In the book she challenges us to see how we are complicity with modernity and colonialism. It will probably be more interesting for those involved in social and environmental activism, but I think it can teach us all something.

Never Let Me Go (2010)

I read the book that inspired this movie recently. I didn't even know there was a movie, but was happy to find out that it does. It features Andrew Garfield, Kiera Knightly, and Carey Mulligan! It's hard to talk about this book/movie without spoilers, but I think it fits pretty well with the topic of the text. How can one try having the best life one can even if the external circumstances are extremely against them?

Maid (Netflix)

Alex is a young adult who has everything stacked against her: no studies, a young daughter to take care of, an abusive husband, and an unreliable bipolar mother. She manages to leave her abusive relationship and starts being a maid. The series is inspired by Stephanie Land's memoir Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother's Will to Survive.

I really loved this series back when it was launched in 2021. It received critical acclaim, with praise going towards the writing, tone, and performances (particularly Qualley's), and became Netflix's fourth most-watched show of the year. It is pretty emotional and hard to watch because of the portrayal of the abusive relationship, so make sure you are in a good headspace to watch it.