Writers and self-doubt

How famous writers prove it's okay to struggle

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Now to my essay.

“Is the time coming when I can endure to read my own writing in print without blushing—shivering and wishing to take cover?” — Virginia Woolf

Many authors have discussed their writing practices and given tips to those who want to start writing. Although some defend weird practices such as only writing standing up or at 4 AM, for most authors, the advice is always the same: do it regularly even if it's not great; and get out for walks to clean up your mind.

Writing regularly means improving. Like any other skill, writing takes practice. It takes time to learn. You need to do it constantly if you want to get better at it. To write you need to sit down and write. It makes sense, right?

As for the walking part, it is the perfect way of getting unstuck. It makes you think about other things, get out of your head and out of your own way. It is needed because writing is not only a skill, but also an art. It is expression and subjective, which makes it more vulnerable and difficult to access.

Writing and sharing feels very personal. As if we shared a large part of ourselves and our deepest thoughts. What we're thinking behind the masks we wear every day.

That's why it's difficult to write but even more difficult to share. We feel vulnerable.

But we are not alone in those feelings.

By listening to writers' practices, it is also clear that almost all writers are constantly self-doubtful, struggle with blocks, and have low self-esteem. Franz Kafka, for instance, held a lifelong belief that other people found him mentally and physically repulsive. In reality, many who met him found him attractive, intelligent, and with a good sense of humor.

While writing The Grapes of Wrath, one of the most famous books in the world, John Steinbeck kept a journal. There he would write daily about the novel writing process. In his journal he constantly doubts himself and his abilities, even when he is already at this point a famous and prolific writer. In one of his final journal entries, when the book is basically ready, he says it "is not the great book I thought it would be. It’s just a run-of-the-mill book. And the awful thing is that it is absolutely the best I can do." Grapes of Wrath earned him a Pulitzer Award and a Nobel Prize.

In another quote from his diary we can further see his self-doubt: "If I can do that it will be all my lack of genius can produce. For no one else knows my lack of ability the way I do. I am pushing against it all the time. Sometimes, I seem to do a good little piece of work, but when it is done it slides into mediocrity."

If John Steinbeck didn't feel positive about what he wrote, what chance do we all have?

As with any art form, writing also evokes the idea of talent. Even if it is untrue, we believe some people are born writers. They have innate talent. And of course, we don't have it. How dare we write despite our lack of talent?

But the more you learn about authors and how they think, the more you realize it's not about talent. They also don't consider themselves talented. They just feel the constant need to write and do it every day. They are highly skilled, because they write constantly.

So how do we get over this self-doubt and fear? I am definitely not going to say you should improve your self-confidence, say positive affirmations to the mirror or any other self-help BS around.

The truth is, I think you will never get over it. They are normal feelings, and it's not because they aren't positive feelings that they aren't worthwhile and useful in our lives. These feelings indicate that you are doing something meaningful for yourself. Something you believe in.

You can always learn and improve your capabilities. That will give you confidence. Feeling self-doubtful should push you to work on it more if you want to feel more confident about it.

Despite its critical role in the creative process as an antidote to arrogance, and its prevalence, self-doubt is not something we readily and wholeheartedly embrace. Instead, we avoid it, judge it, and hedge our bets against it using a variety of coping mechanisms, many of which backfire.

In truth, the only problem is if self-doubt and fear become paralyzing forces. That's the only real problem. But as long as you are showing up and trying to overcome your fear, even if it's little by little, the fear will seem smaller and smaller. Until you don't feel it anymore, even if it's for a while. Because it will probably re-appear when you push further out of your comfort zone. And isn't that just how life and anything worthwhile work?

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Working Days: The Journals of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

Alongside writing the Grapes of Wrath, Steinbeck also kept a diary, eventually published as Working Days: The Journals of The Grapes of Wrath— a remarkable record of his creative journey, in which the writer deals with excruciating self-doubt (exactly the kind Virginia Woolf so memorably described) but plows forward anyway, with equal parts of enjoyment and desperation, driven by the dogged determination to do his best with the gift he has, despite his limitations.

Kill Your Darlings (2013)

Kill Your Darlings tells the origin story of the Beat aesthetic and literary style. It is set during World War II at Columbia University, where Allen Ginsberg (Daniel Radcliffe), William Burroughs (Ben Foster), and Jack Kerouac (Jack Huston) met for the first time. Allen Ginsberg is immediately infatuated with the spoiled, narcissistic Lucien Carr, whose lethal combination of beauty, panache, and psychological confusion wrecked many lives including his own. The movie explores the wishes those writers had to break the rules and live a more authentic life, while struggling with the times they were living.

Disclaimer (Apple TV+)

Cate Blanchett stars in the role of Catherine Ravenscroft, a famous investigative journalist who is anonymously sent a novel in which she is, unmistakably, a scandalous character. She is wealthy, famous, and has an odd relationship with her son. This show got my attention for being directed by Alfonso Cuarón and starring Cate Blanchet, but I'm still in the first two episodes. So far, it seems quite grossing and entertaining.